Why the Season Two Finale sucked and why you should hold your favorite TV series to higher standards.
The responses are pouring in on Facebook and Twitter. “OMG The Walking Dead rules!” and “Rick finally grew a pair–go Rick!” and “Watch out zombies! We’re comin’ in ninja-style!”
Shut up. Just–hey, I said shut up! Now listen . . .you’re missing a few things:
Lies Lies Lies
It’s the easiest and ultimately one of the weakest plot devices a writer can use. Need conflict? Need to make what should be six episodes last for thirteen? Have your characters constantly lie for no reason. Okay, Shane. Enough people know Shane killed Otis to not question Rick in killing him. Rick has consistently been about doing the right thing, maintaining a sense of humanity. So why, when you’ve clearly and unquestionably killed Shane out of self-defense, would you lie about it? “Lori, Lori, Shane done tried to keeeel me!” That’s what you say. You don’t lie. It doesn’t occur to you to lie. When you’ve narrowly escaped death twice in 30 seconds, all you think about is how to clean the shit out of your pants. So much of Season Two has relied upon the formula of Character A in Situation X, Character B finds out about Situation X, Character A lies to Character B about Situation X, dramatic suspicious pause. It’s plot filler, nothing more. The truth is, only the first half of Season Two should have taken place on the farm. Sophie should have been discovered in Episode Three, and zombies should have overrun the farm in the Mid-Season Finale.
Back in my younger days, if I wanted unlimited ammo to kill zombies in Resident Evil, I had to input a code or beat the game first. Hershel, where did you get that shotgun? I want one! Dude, seriously. A typical pump-action shotgun you’ll find in a gun cabinet on a farm holds 5 shells, and that’s with the plug removed and one shell in the chamber. How many times are producers going to get this wrong? Do you know how many rednecks and NRA members are pissed right now? It’s sloppy and lazy. Please don’t shoot me 3,489 times for saying so.
Lori . . . Just Die Already
Your husband says, “Dude tried to kill me, so I killed him” and you get pissy about it? Can you file for divorce in Zombieland? Dumb skank. You’re not Bella. Quit running back and forth between two douche bags and stick with the one who ain’t dead, for God’s sake. Or by all means join Shane in his deadness. You only serve the purpose of making me want to change the channel.
Dale is Still Dead
Enough said. Worst decision since someone thought, I should make a show called True Blood.
I Don’t Mind a Ninja; I’m Picky About Ninja Timing
Really? We’re hunkered down milking cows and diddling ourselves in the hay loft for an entire season. Then suddenly we have to leave the farm, only to head five miles down the road and conveniently stumble upon not only a prison, where we’ll have our next stagnant, stationary, uneventful, and overly dramatic season, but Andrea gets saved in the middle of the woods by a ninja with zombie slaves, who was nowhere in the background seven seconds prior? You honestly expect me to believe Andrea wouldn’t have noticed Darth Zombie strolling up or heard her chains rattling? Try again.
Shane’s Soul Lives On . . .
. . . in Rick. Seriously. That entire sequence at the end was about as unbelievable as it gets. Rick is now behaving like Shane. Defensive, aggressive, irrational, self-pitying, narcissistic. So we’re just going to abandon Rick’s character development for two seasons and roll with this new Rick-Shane hybrid? And don’t give me “Oh, he’s stressed out over having to be a leader.” He’s had to be a leader for two seasons. It’s nothing new. “Oh, he’s losing it.” When people “lose it,” there’s a transition period. You don’t go from sane to crazy at the flip of a switch. “Oh, Rick grew a pair!” No, he’s behaving like a scared little boy, just like Shane did for two seasons. “This isn’t a democracy anymore.” Why you jackin’ Shane’s style, man? That’s what he was saying all along. You should have just said, “Dude, I was sooo totally thinking the same thing.”
“Wow, that sucked, but at least we have two semi-interesting hooks we can think about until Season Three starts: we’re coming upon what looks like a prison, and there’s a ninja. I wonder who the ninja is. Is it Daryl’s brother? No, I’m pretty sure the ninja has boobs. And besides, the ninja clearly has two hands. Hmm. I wonder what people on Facebook thought of the epi–oh, cool, a post-episode interview with the producers . . . um . . . you . . . seriously? You’re giving away the identity of the hooded ninja assassin already?! Then why the fu–”
Terrible promo campaign, and this isn’t the first time. Immediately after Dale got ripped open, AMC went all over social media asking, “What do you think about Dale being ripped open?” And some of us are going, “Dude! Spoiler alert, maybe? Asshole.” Now they’re campaigning for Season Three operating under the assumption that we’ve all read the stupid #$&!ing comic books and know what’s going to happen anyway. Nice, dumbasses. Really nice.
Now take my stupid poll.