Like Sands Through the Hour Glass, So Are The Walking Dead


Why the Season Two Finale sucked and why you should hold your favorite TV series to higher standards.

The responses are pouring in on Facebook and Twitter.  “OMG The Walking Dead rules!” and “Rick finally grew a pair–go Rick!” and “Watch out zombies!  We’re comin’ in ninja-style!”

Shut up.  Just–hey, I said shut up!  Now listen . . .you’re missing a few things:

Lies Lies Lies

It’s the easiest and ultimately one of the weakest plot devices a writer can use.  Need conflict?  Need to make what should be six episodes last for thirteen?  Have your characters constantly lie for no reason.  Okay, Shane.  Enough people know Shane killed Otis to not question Rick in killing him.  Rick has consistently been about doing the right thing, maintaining a sense of humanity.  So why, when you’ve clearly and unquestionably killed Shane out of self-defense, would you lie about it?  “Lori, Lori, Shane done tried to keeeel me!”  That’s what you say.  You don’t lie.  It doesn’t occur to you to lie.  When you’ve narrowly escaped death twice in 30 seconds, all you think about is how to clean the shit out of your pants.  So much of Season Two has relied upon the formula of Character A in Situation X, Character B finds out about Situation X, Character A lies to Character B about Situation X, dramatic suspicious pause. It’s plot filler, nothing more.  The truth is, only the first half of Season Two should have taken place on the farm.  Sophie should have been discovered in Episode Three, and zombies should have overrun the farm in the Mid-Season Finale.

Unlimited Ammo

Back in my younger days, if I wanted unlimited ammo to kill zombies in Resident Evil, I had to input a code or beat the game first.  Hershel, where did you get that shotgun?  I want one!  Dude, seriously.  A typical pump-action shotgun you’ll find in a gun cabinet on a farm holds 5 shells, and that’s with the plug removed and one shell in the chamber.  How many times are producers going to get this wrong?  Do you know how many rednecks and NRA members are pissed right now?  It’s sloppy and lazy.  Please don’t shoot me 3,489 times for saying so.

Lori . . . Just Die Already

Your husband says, “Dude tried to kill me, so I killed him” and you get pissy about it?  Can you file for divorce in Zombieland?  Dumb skank.  You’re not Bella.  Quit running back and forth between two douche bags and stick with the one who ain’t dead, for God’s sake.  Or by all means join Shane in his deadness.  You only serve the purpose of making me want to change the channel.

Dale is Still Dead

Enough said.  Worst decision since someone thought, I should make a show called True Blood.

I Don’t Mind a Ninja; I’m Picky About Ninja Timing

Really?  We’re hunkered down milking cows and diddling ourselves in the hay loft for an entire season.  Then suddenly we have to leave the farm, only to head five miles down the road and conveniently stumble upon not only a prison, where we’ll have our next stagnant, stationary, uneventful, and overly dramatic season, but Andrea gets saved in the middle of the woods by a ninja with zombie slaves, who was nowhere in the background seven seconds prior?  You honestly expect me to believe Andrea wouldn’t have noticed Darth Zombie strolling up or heard her chains rattling?  Try again.

Shane’s Soul Lives On . . .

. . . in Rick.  Seriously.  That entire sequence at the end was about as unbelievable as it gets.  Rick is now behaving like Shane.  Defensive, aggressive, irrational, self-pitying, narcissistic.  So we’re just going to abandon Rick’s character development for two seasons and roll with this new Rick-Shane hybrid?  And don’t give me “Oh, he’s stressed out over having to be a leader.”  He’s had to be a leader for two seasons.  It’s nothing new.  “Oh, he’s losing it.”  When people “lose it,” there’s a transition period.  You don’t go from sane to crazy at the flip of a switch.  “Oh, Rick grew a pair!”  No, he’s behaving like a scared little boy, just like Shane did for two seasons.  “This isn’t a democracy anymore.”  Why you jackin’ Shane’s style, man?  That’s what he was saying all along.  You should have just said, “Dude, I was sooo totally thinking the same thing.”

An Afterthought

“Wow, that sucked, but at least we have two semi-interesting hooks we can think about until Season Three starts: we’re coming upon what looks like a prison, and there’s a ninja.  I wonder who the ninja is.  Is it Daryl’s brother?  No, I’m pretty sure the ninja has boobs.  And besides, the ninja clearly has two hands.  Hmm.  I wonder what people on Facebook thought of the epi–oh, cool, a post-episode interview with the producers . . . um . . . you . . . seriously?  You’re giving away the identity of the hooded ninja assassin already?!  Then why the fu–

Terrible promo campaign, and this isn’t the first time.  Immediately after Dale got ripped open, AMC went all over social media asking, “What do you think about Dale being ripped open?”  And some of us are going, “Dude!  Spoiler alert, maybe?  Asshole.”  Now they’re campaigning for Season Three operating under the assumption that we’ve all read the stupid #$&!ing comic books and know what’s going to happen anyway.  Nice, dumbasses.  Really nice.

Now take my stupid poll.

 

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2 thoughts on “Like Sands Through the Hour Glass, So Are The Walking Dead

  1. The Walking Dead? Fuck this show. It lacks originality, has a cast who couldn’t act their way out of the wet end of a paper sack, has horrible practical effects and make up and buys in to the biggest selling gimmick of the moment: zombies. In my opinion it’s like a horrible mash up of The Stand meets 28 Days Later with a pitiful dash of Red Dawn. And I don’t mean they just knock off a few things from a few movies here and there. Literally every scene and set up is ripped off directly from the classics. I’m tired of this fanboy homage bull shit! If someone else did it right the first time then leave it alone! Sure it’s great to respect the good work others have done but keep it out of your picture! I was done with this show about 10 minutes into Season 1. And I refuse to even think about checking out this latest season (which I hear ran until the midway point, then took a break and started up again at a later date lamest way to build hype for a show ever!). I think it’s trendy to like it and everyone likes to be able to talk to their friends about the show they watched last night. It’s hip to like zombies, it’s popular to buy into this garbage and I can’t stand that shit! Whatever happened to originality? Whatever happened to interesting characters? Whatever happened to good writing and great direction? What in the HELL hapened to a good score fitting for such a piece? Why in the hell is the guy from Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer in a syndicatd series!?!?!? There is no horror to be found here either which also fucking pisses me off to no end. I remember when Zombies actually scared the fuck out of me, to the point of not wanting to go to bed. I mean Romero’s original Dawn, holy fuck! That movie still scares the shit pants off of me. My suggestion: if you want to watch an original show look elsewhere. If you want to join the clique of super trendy hipsters who watch shows like Dexter, The Big Bang Theory, The River, True Blood and all that other garbage jamming up the airwaves then go right ahead. Just remember: Zombies WERE cool once upon a time, kinda like vampires were. Now they’re just sparkling vampires and running zombies the perfect marketing tools created to please the masses. It’s kinda ironic in a way. Zombies entertaining Zombies…But me, I’ll stick with true originals like “Look” Adam Rifkin’s latest tv series…

  2. Honestly, I couldn’t have said it better. I was enthralled with Season 1. It was enchanting, incredible and full of zombies. This season? Baby daddy drama, a spoiled little kid who needs to be tied to a tree and kicked until unconscious. Also, I’ll tell you the truth. I gaves NO FUCK about whether or not the show went along with the comics. I’ll tell ya straight up, I didn’t even know it WAS a comic until I heard all the people whining about it. So, I had nothing to compare the show to and I STILL ended up disappointed. I missed out on half of the 2nd season, and I was devastated. They, as they usually do, showed a marathon of all the episodes, and I was so ecstatic to catch up. I couldn’t even focus on the episodes. Not only were they shot basically in pitch black (I don’t care what you say, it’s infuriating not mysterious) but they brought out all the stops in trying to keep their fan base. I kept up the watching until about 3 weeks ago. Then, I completely forgot it came on one Sunday. And that was my sign. If I can’t remember the show I used to love is coming on, and I didn’t care that I missed it? I’m done. He’s your baby but if he’s not your baby he’s still your baby, and from what I’ve heard, I’m glad I didn’t see the episode where Dale got ripped open because I would have hopped into my car, gone to wherever the hell the producers live and take a shit and light it on fire in their front yard.. And don’t question that, because I would. So, therefore, I am now with the small percentage of the population that just wants a zombie pop star group to come in, eat everyone, then break out in song about how this was all just a joke, and the REAL superawesomecan’tlookawayzombieshow will be debuting in August. Thank you very much. Walking Dead, you can suck it.

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