UK Fan Murdered by U of L Fan

Cardinals fan convicted of first degree murder of Wildcats fan

Marcus DeWitt of Louisville was sentenced to death by lethal injection today after being convicted of first-degree murder.

Shortly after the University of Kentucky versus University of Louisville Final Four game on March 31st, 2012, an altercation between fans led to the death of a man later identified by family members as 32-year-old Stephen Wilson of Lexington.

“We didn’t recognize him at first, he was so badly beaten,” Wilson’s mother told reporters, crying and waving a small blue UK flag.  “Then I saw the Wildcat tattoo on his ass, and I knew.”

According to the coroner’s report, Wilson died of a stab wound to the heart.  The report also indicated that “Kentucky fans, in fact, do not bleed blue.”

Marcus DeWitt, 26-year-old Louisville resident, was hospitalized for injuries sustained during the dispute and was subsequently arrested by Louisville Metro Police.  DeWitt was charged with a number of felonies, including manslaughter, aggravated assault, destruction of property, and public urination.

Sources say the incident began when DeWitt referred to his calamari roll as a “Calipari roll.”  Wilson, having heard the remark, responded, “How does it feel being coached by our sloppy seconds?”

Sushi chef Wong Dong, who witnessed the event, said, “They scream and they scream at each other.  Wide Cat.  Cod-null.  Wide Cat.  Cod-null.  Americans crazy, I tell you.”

Within minutes a brawl ensued, as Kentucky fans and Louisville fans throughout the restaurant joined the fight.

“It was awesome,” said nine-year-old Billy Jenkins, whose iPhone recording of the incident was later confiscated by LMPD officers.

The video shows DeWitt and Wilson both grabbing the decorative samurai swords hanging on the wall behind the sushi bar and proceeding to “battle it out like Uma Thurman and Lucy Liu in Kill Bill,” according to Jenkins.

When asked which team he supports, Jenkins said, “Wildcats!”

When asked why, he said, “Um . . . because Louisville sucks?”

After stabbing Wilson in the heart with his samurai sword, DeWitt allegedly urinated on him, even downing a glass of water in an effort to prolong the pee stream.  Witnesses quoted him as saying, “Comeback Cats, my ass.”

“There was so much piss on that blue shirt,” said LMPD officer Michael Stockton, “and the yellow mixed with the blue, I thought I’d walked up on a dead Packers fan.”

Coach Rick Pitino of the Louisville Cardinals, when informed about the incident, said, “This whole rivalry has been racially motivated from the get-go.  Everyone who’s ever been associated with the University of Kentucky is a snobby, racist elitist.”

When reminded that he used to coach for UK, Pitino said, “I’m not racist.  I have black friends at work.”

Marcus DeWitt was initially to be tried in Louisville, but a change of venue was proposed when 96% of the prospective jury pool arrived in court wearing U of L hats, shirts, and hoodies.

The victim’s family attorney fought for the trial to be held in Lexington, Wilson’s home town, but as the same problem would likely be faced there, the trial was moved to Bowling Green, Kentucky.

After only six minutes of deliberation in a private room at the Warren County Courthouse, the jury came back with an unprecedented guilty verdict, not for the manslaughter charge DeWitt faced, but for first degree murder.

Objections by the defense were met with an emphatic slam of the gavel by the presiding judge, a Western Kentucky University graduate.

Spokesperson for the jury later said, “Now a UK fan and a U of L fan are dead.  We’re happy up here on the hill.  Go Hilltoppers!”



This article is a work of fiction.  All names, places, and events are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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