Season Three of The Walking Dead is well underway and has taken quite a turn from Season Two. Thanks again to that noble pack of zombies for running the gang off Hershel’s ridiculous farm (where a bountiful yield of boredom was harvested every Sunday night). Now we’re jumping back and forth between prison and the Governor’s paradise Woodbury.
Andrea is banging the Governor, who keeps severed zombie heads alive in fish tanks and slaughters more of the living than the dead. He also has a zombie daughter or niece whom he tucks into bed every night.
Michonne is defying the laws of physics with her big sword Kill Bill-style. She’s spent the entire season pacing at a distance, suspicious of the ground beneath her feet. If the show’s producers decide to kill her off, you might as well stop watching because The Walking Dead will officially make no sense whatsoever.
The best news of the season yet is the absurd death of Lori by baby extraction. Of course, everything comes at a price, and for two episodes we had to watch Rick throw a little psychological fit and start talking to his dead wife on the phone. Why? Because Rick is a big baby who needs attention. And when big babies don’t get enough attention, they invent imaginary friends. Never mind the fact that he has a real baby in desperate need of some formula before it has a bloody change of appetite and starts chomping at Daryl’s trigger finger.
Oh, Daryl, that’s right. The Walking Dead actually has a character who matters.
Okay, now that we’re up to date, here are my predictions for the remainder of the season:
Tonight’s episode opens with a dark figure emerging from the bushes outside the walls of Woodbury. Merle is running his mouth to two guys standing guard for the night and they catch a glimpse of the dark figure. Scanning the area with their rifle scopes, none of the men see Dexter Morgan appear behind them with three syringes. He stabs Merle in the heart just before letting him fall over the wall to be eaten by walkers. The other two men, Dexter disarms and leaves unconscious but in safety.
Before killing the Governor with his zombie heads as witnesses, Dexter derails for two episodes on a half-sentimental sexcapade with Michonne in which small pieces of their cold outer shells are chipped away as they awkwardly bang each other. (Both shows are soap operas in this regard.)
With the Governor and Merle dead, Dexter welcomes the arrival of Al Swearengen, who becomes the new leader of Woodbury, now called Deadwoodbury.
Walter White from Breaking Bad arrives shortly thereafter with news of his recent discovery: the zombie outbreak was sparked by his blue methamphetamine. Dexter moves immediately to kill him, but Swearengen stops him just in time to ask if Walter can concoct a cure.
The episode ends with Jimmy McNulty from The Wire, so drunk he starts hitting on a female zombie.
That’s how it’ll go down. Guaranteed.