A Funny Letter From My Wife

Kylie and her mom went to Alabama yesterday morning to visit her grandmother who was hospitalized due to flu-related complications.  She left while I was at work, and when I came home, I found this note on the fridge (transcribed below):

survival guide, courtesy of my wife

My survival guide for the week, courtesy of my wife.

Hey boyfriend husband!

Please don’t forget to feed the fish at least three times a day or he hides in the corner and looks dead.

Check Django’s food and water once or twice a day.  He drinks a lot.  Don’t forget to take him out before work!  (Also, he needs treats.)

If you remember, please pick up some grits and cornmeal for Granny! =)

I love you bunches and miss you already!

Hope you get lots of writing done and have fun while I’m gone!

❤ Kylie

[P.S.–] Rick and Abby are coming on the 19th.  They will be here around 4 or 5.  Ichiban at 6:00.

[Side note] Don’t forget to set your alarm!  It’s on top of the microwave.

My response:

Dear Kylie,

I’m happy to report that Lester Freamon [our fish] is alive and well.  I’m only feeding him twice a day because he’s starting to look like a blow fish.

Django is full and hydrated and now has a bag of treats.  He messed up the mini-blinds in the bedroom, and this morning he tore up a full roll of toilet paper.  I took him on a walk a little while ago, and he claimed us a lot of new territory by peeing on every bush and tree he could find.  We now own most of the neighborhood (until another dog pees on Django’s pee, I guess).

django reading blood meridian, cormac mccarthy

Django reading Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. Big fan.

I’ll be picking up organic grits and corn meal for Gloria at the farmer’s market on Saturday.  I’m also going to pick up some more of those Filet Mignon steaks.  If you’re not home by Sunday, I’ve promised yours to Wes Manakee.  I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love and miss you too, Kylie, and I’ve written several thousand words since you’ve been gone.  As far as fun, this experience has been less Tom Cruise in Risky Business and more Alan Ruck in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  (“Let my . . . Cameron . . . go!”)

Tell your family I said hi and I hope your grandmother gets better.



P.S.–I’m definitely down for some sushi but not so much for looking like a chump who couldn’t find a date.  (I’ll just bring Django with me.  Haha.)  Kidding on all accounts, except for the sushi part.

P.S.S.–The alarm on the phone worked just fine this morning.  Turns out you don’t have to kick me to wake me up.  (The cracked ribs are finally starting to heal, by the way!)  I’ll forewarn you, I’m getting accustomed to hitting the snooze button ten times without reprimand.  You better hurry back! =)


The Story of Kylie

This is Kylie long before we met.

(Don’t worry.  She has all her teeth now.)


This is what Kylie looks like now.

She’s absolutely gorgeous, though you can’t convince her.


Kylie is a very strange girl.


She has an unusual style.


Even when she’s a zombie.


She gets giggly when Elvis impersonators come around.


And she loves being thrown off bridges . . .


Kylie makes synthetic dreadlocks.


She’s really freakin’ good at it.


Soon she’ll be designing the official Lillia dreads for The Object.


Her small-town days of peddling Polar Pops

and washing cars are behind her.


When Kylie and I met, I’d never heard of a haircut.

She didn’t mind, though.


Seriously, what’s wrong with her?

I look like I just came down from a mountain.


But somehow she really doesn’t care about my hair.

(That rhymed.)


In fact, I asked her to marry me and she said, “Yes.”



She’s the prettiest girl on this or any other planet.


Which is one of many reasons why I can unabashedly

showcase my sentimentality and broadcast to the world

that this was the happiest day of my life.


And why every day since, to me,

has looked like this.


Oh, and this was the day my cousin Justin Comley (illustrator)

and I came up with the idea for The Object,

just in case you’re the type of blog reader who demands

each post be relevant.  THE END.

I love you, Kylie! =)