A Funny Letter From My Wife


Kylie and her mom went to Alabama yesterday morning to visit her grandmother who was hospitalized due to flu-related complications.  She left while I was at work, and when I came home, I found this note on the fridge (transcribed below):

survival guide, courtesy of my wife

My survival guide for the week, courtesy of my wife.

Hey boyfriend husband!

Please don’t forget to feed the fish at least three times a day or he hides in the corner and looks dead.

Check Django’s food and water once or twice a day.  He drinks a lot.  Don’t forget to take him out before work!  (Also, he needs treats.)

If you remember, please pick up some grits and cornmeal for Granny! =)

I love you bunches and miss you already!

Hope you get lots of writing done and have fun while I’m gone!

❤ Kylie

[P.S.–] Rick and Abby are coming on the 19th.  They will be here around 4 or 5.  Ichiban at 6:00.

[Side note] Don’t forget to set your alarm!  It’s on top of the microwave.

My response:

Dear Kylie,

I’m happy to report that Lester Freamon [our fish] is alive and well.  I’m only feeding him twice a day because he’s starting to look like a blow fish.

Django is full and hydrated and now has a bag of treats.  He messed up the mini-blinds in the bedroom, and this morning he tore up a full roll of toilet paper.  I took him on a walk a little while ago, and he claimed us a lot of new territory by peeing on every bush and tree he could find.  We now own most of the neighborhood (until another dog pees on Django’s pee, I guess).

django reading blood meridian, cormac mccarthy

Django reading Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. Big fan.

I’ll be picking up organic grits and corn meal for Gloria at the farmer’s market on Saturday.  I’m also going to pick up some more of those Filet Mignon steaks.  If you’re not home by Sunday, I’ve promised yours to Wes Manakee.  I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love and miss you too, Kylie, and I’ve written several thousand words since you’ve been gone.  As far as fun, this experience has been less Tom Cruise in Risky Business and more Alan Ruck in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  (“Let my . . . Cameron . . . go!”)

Tell your family I said hi and I hope your grandmother gets better.

Love,

Chad

P.S.–I’m definitely down for some sushi but not so much for looking like a chump who couldn’t find a date.  (I’ll just bring Django with me.  Haha.)  Kidding on all accounts, except for the sushi part.

P.S.S.–The alarm on the phone worked just fine this morning.  Turns out you don’t have to kick me to wake me up.  (The cracked ribs are finally starting to heal, by the way!)  I’ll forewarn you, I’m getting accustomed to hitting the snooze button ten times without reprimand.  You better hurry back! =)

My Predictions for The Walking Dead Season Three Finale


The Walking Dead (season 2)

The Walking Dead (season 2) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Season Three of The Walking Dead is well underway and has taken quite a turn from Season Two.  Thanks again to that noble pack of zombies for running the gang off Hershel’s ridiculous farm (where a bountiful yield of boredom was harvested every Sunday night).  Now we’re jumping back and forth between prison and the Governor’s paradise Woodbury.

Andrea is banging the Governor, who keeps severed zombie heads alive in fish tanks and slaughters more of the living than the dead.  He also has a zombie daughter or niece whom he tucks into bed every night.

Michonne is defying the laws of physics with her big sword Kill Bill-style.  She’s spent the entire season pacing at a distance, suspicious of the ground beneath her feet.  If the show’s producers decide to kill her off, you might as well stop watching because The Walking Dead will officially make no sense whatsoever.

The best news of the season yet is the absurd death of Lori by baby extraction.  Of course, everything comes at a price, and for two episodes we had to watch Rick throw a little psychological fit and start talking to his dead wife on the phone.  Why?  Because Rick is a big baby who needs attention.  And when big babies don’t get enough attention, they invent imaginary friends.  Never mind the fact that he has a real baby in desperate need of some formula before it has a bloody change of appetite and starts chomping at Daryl’s trigger finger.

Oh, Daryl, that’s right.  The Walking Dead actually has a character who matters.

Okay, now that we’re up to date, here are my predictions for the remainder of the season:

Tonight’s episode opens with a dark figure emerging from the bushes outside the walls of Woodbury.   Merle is running his mouth to two guys standing guard for the night and they catch a glimpse of the dark figure.  Scanning the area with their rifle scopes, none of the men see Dexter Morgan appear behind them with three syringes.  He stabs Merle in the heart just before letting him fall over the wall to be eaten by walkers.  The other two men, Dexter disarms and leaves unconscious but in safety.

Before killing the Governor with his zombie heads as witnesses, Dexter derails for two episodes on a half-sentimental sexcapade with Michonne in which small pieces of their cold outer shells are chipped away as they awkwardly bang each other.  (Both shows are soap operas in this regard.)

With the Governor and Merle dead, Dexter welcomes the arrival of Al Swearengen, who becomes the new leader of Woodbury, now called Deadwoodbury.

Walter White from Breaking Bad arrives shortly thereafter with news of his recent discovery: the zombie outbreak was sparked by his blue methamphetamine.  Dexter moves immediately to kill him, but Swearengen stops him just in time to ask if Walter can concoct a cure.

The episode ends with Jimmy McNulty from The Wire, so drunk he starts hitting on a female zombie.

That’s how it’ll go down.  Guaranteed.